I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
farters have to be the big spoon...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
