He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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