So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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