I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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