Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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