Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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