Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
