I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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