I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
