the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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