i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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