I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
