whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
