remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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