I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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