I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Someone shit on the floor
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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