We won't sleep together?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
