im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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