I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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