I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
