In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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