I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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