After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
