Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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