two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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