at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
