i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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