He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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