Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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