Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
