areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
