New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
