he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize