It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
