Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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