Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
