I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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