Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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