So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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