tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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