I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize