So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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