mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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