She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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