Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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