I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
