pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
