We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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