He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize