Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
did i just pee glitter
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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