theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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