the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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