Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
