im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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