Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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