Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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