I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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