there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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