She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
