pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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