remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
