hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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