I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
